Yeah, I know it has been a while

  So I know that it has been FOREVER since I have last posted, but a particular person seemed to stike the right chord with me tonight.  I've just started thinking about a lot of "stuff" lately.  I never really noticed how much MORE I could do for other people but I don't.  How much I've drifted in and out of days without a sense of meaning or reason for what I'm doing.  I know that if you go through life every minute of your life looking for a reason, it will slowly tear you up from the inside out, but going through life flippantly and nonchalantly is not a solution.  It is the constant for vice vs. virtue. 

  You're probably wondering what the hell I mean when I say this.  I guess what I'm trying to say through all of this is that the center of my life has become exactly what I tried so hard to avoid.  I promised myself not too long ago that I would never be that person to let school impact me so much that everything else in my life would be affected by that one grade.  This, though a seemingly reasonable goal, was a promise that I could not keep.  Ever since I started looking at college and taking all the hard classes that I could, it took away from my friendships, my family - MY LIFE.  Striving to get that extra point destroyed everything that I once held so close to me. 

  I couldn't listen to my friends when they needed help - I was too busy with my homework and being pissed at how much work I had to do.  I never talked to my family and never went anywhere with them because I was doing homework or I was too tired after trying so hard to get that ONE POINT.  When I did talk to them, it was about school.  Well consider this my New Year's Resolution, one month late, everyday I will take time and spend time with my family and friends. I will genuinely help them to the best of my ability and try my hardest to do all that I can for them.  I will live to love, and this is my creed.  It's sappy I know, but I feel that it is the only way to snap me out of this vice that I'm in.

Mechanical

Yea, I don't know what it is, but a friend's blog just woke me up to something that was really really wrong.  I don't understand and I can't see how I got here, but I've become so passive that nothing seems to matter anymore, I don't get it. 

It feels like I'm just a machine, unattached from any human emotion, I don't feel anything.  Life is just about getting that assignment done, making the grade, and making others feel better about themselves.  Little did I realize how much my life was falling apart.  How can you encourage a friend to have a better life when you are on the same level they are on, with the same problem?  I really need to start to think, to feel again.  Have meaning to the things that I do, put purpose in the words I have to say, the things that I see, and the sounds that I hear. 

I want to dream about great things.  I want to have the desire to succeed in all that I do.  I want people to be proud of me, and be able to take pride in myself.  I'm tired of doing it just to do it.  I want to find the reason for doing it, and not just some pointless one either...real reasons.  Well, I think that I've rambled on enough about my frustration about myself.  I'll just work on it, and that's the best that I can do.  This may seem like a pointless and useless blog to some people, but I just felt like I needed to say it...to somebody, even if it is just myself. 

(no subject)

Well, it really has been a while since I have updated hasn't it?  Well, nothing much really to report.  I did graduation exams that are easy yet extremely frustrating and tedious.  We've had football games and all has been well.  Homecoming is next week...still haven't decided whether I am going to the dance or not, but I probably will end up going.  But that is pretty much it...atleast that I'm willing to expand upon. 

(no subject)

Well, it really has been a while since I have updated hasn't it?  Well, nothing much really to report.  I did graduation exams that are easy yet extremely frustrating and tedious.  We've had football games and all has been well.  Homecoming is next week...still haven't decided whether I am going to the dance or not, but I probably will end up going.  But that is pretty much it...atleast that I'm willing to expand upon. 

Horrible weekend

So basically this weekend royally sucked.  Friday morning my 2nd cousin Jim died and we had the funeral today.  I never really knew him that well, but when I did get to talk to him, he was really a wonderful person.  Another thing that really touched me was when I was talking to my aunt pearl (jim's mother) she said that I was always his favorite because I would talk to him a lot.  That really touched me. 

So today was the funeral, and it really took me for a loop.  Another thing that made me so emotional was that it was the first one since my dad's, which was somewhat less then pleasant to recall...I got really emotional.  But I'll be alright, It just reminded me of how much I really do miss my dad.  I'll miss Jim alot too...